Playing Scared
Christy Vutam | January 23, 2014There’s something wrong with my tennis head that no Pink/Katy Perry/Sara Bareilles song can help me out of.
I wouldn’t wish this mental anguish on anyone. Anyone. This sucks. Playing scared is no way to play tennis.
How to describe it. Um…
It’s like I’ve never played tennis before. When the slow ball bounces in front of me, I have no idea how to hit a groundstroke. Everything is off. I feel lost. Tennis is unnatural. The game makes no sense. What am I even doing out here? What am I doing back here at the baseline? What am I doing up here at the net? Why is the ball moving so fast around me? PLEASE DON’T HIT THE BALL ANYWHERE NEAR ME.
It’s awful.
The mental nonsense comes and goes. It started last fall. Wait, I take that back. This current round of feeling lost on the tennis court started last fall. My forehand yips from last April were probably also the result of some mental silliness and not from actually forgetting how to hit a forehand, but for whatever reason, by the time the USTA spring/summer regular season was coming to a close, I was back to crushing my forehand again with the utmost confidence.
For a while there in 2013, whether I won or lost, I felt great about tennis. I had never played better. The sport was a lot of fun. Then all of a sudden in the second set of a fall doubles match in which my partner and I had won the first set, this feeling of paralyzing fear washed over me. I remember distinctly standing at the net before the point started and realizing the game had suddenly gotten faster and not knowing what to do on the court anymore.
Since that match, the same crippling sensation has overwhelmed me from time to time but has now appeared with alarming frequency over the past two months. It’s gotten to the point where I’ll step onto the court wondering which tennis player within me is going to show up: the confident one who feels like she’s got superpowers or the scared one who “forgets” how to play this sport that she plays nearly every day?
The worst part is how alone I feel. I’ve asked coaches, of course, and well, I guess, being the best of your tennis circle like they were means being superior than everyone else in just about every category including strokes, mental toughness, etc. I don’t ask my tennis friends. 1) It’s embarrassing. 2) I’m pretty sure they’re going to say what I would say if I were asked about a tennis issue I couldn’t relate to: “Just hit the ball. You can play tennis. Snap out of it. Just play.”
I really wish I could “just play.”
It’s been a little over a week and five matches since my last mental episode, and I’m hesitant to say anything so cavalier as “it looks like I’m getting over it” or “I think I’m on the right path to diagnosing this” because I’ve arrogantly written variations of those words in past drafts since I started on this post in early January only to have to maddeningly delete them. I’ve strung along first sets and whole matches without incident and I’ll regain my confidence but then all of a sudden…
If I were to take any positives from this ordeal: the poor doubles partners who were unfortunately saddled with me during the flare-ups were really great to me throughout them despite the fact that those players were better off partnered with a pet rock. I hope I’m as considerate as they were in handling future struggling partners.
Also, the introspection I’ve been doing and the insights from coaches on the matter – while they haven’t gone through exactly what I’m going through, they’re at least trying to talk me through it – will help me in the long run, I think. I’m learning about what makes me tick as a competitive tennis player and my tennis psychology. For example, one idea presented to me is perhaps I’m “breathing a sigh of relief” after winning the first set, and it’s causing me to lose focus and then the next thing I know the game has gotten “faster.”
I’ve stumbled upon phrases that seem to help with maintaining my concentration, and I think I have figured out other “triggers” that cause these mental tailspins. My theory is if I know what the triggers are and I work through them in non-match situations, then they won’t be triggers anymore. I sure hope I’m correct about all that…
With that being said, no, I’m not telling you what those triggers are but good try, opponent of mine. 😉
Don’t take your tennis abilities for granted, you guys. Being able to play tennis is a gift. When you think you’ve lost the ability to play this sport you love so much…
Hey! Thanks for sharing your journey. I was searching for how to stop playing scared in tennis. It’s odd because I’m not playing competitively at all but I still get scared of losing and end up screwing up or at least not playing as well as I could. The funny thing is, I’m a psychologist! I know all of the things that should work, but while I’m playing, the second it gets to where I met actually do well, I freak and am pensive. I’m going to consult with my friend who does sports psych and see if there is anything I don’t know. How are your panic attacks going? I know this was an old post. Wishing you well!
Hey, Sarah! Thanks for dropping by and leaving a comment! And for the warm wishes!
Um…at least once a year for the last few years, I’ll have these “panic attacks” of feeling like I don’t know how to hit the ball. And then eventually, I’ll go through a period where I feel like I’m in total control and I hit out on the ball and it’s fantastic. And then I don’t know how to hit the ball again…
I think they’ve come about when I’m tweaking a stroke, when I really want to play well in order to impress someone, or when I sorta “wake up” and realize my surroundings. “Oh, I shouldn’t be up here at this level with these really good people…”
I’m a very mental player. 😉
I don’t know what specifically gets me back to playing well again, but here are some ideas:
I hope one of these suggestions that have helped me also helps you in your tennis journey. And if you find a totally different method that works for you, please share!
Good luck, Sarah!!